Just A Funking Phase

Have you ever just had a bad fucking month, or two? Looking back you realize that you weren’t just overly sensitive, temperamental or irritable. While in the midst of those string of shitty days, you were just in a funk. Unmoved, unmotivated and just plain down! I’m finding myself on the other side of this funk month and feeling as though I’m on a brand new path. My main goals and aspirations have not changed, neither have my close friendships. What did change for me was coming to a few realizations about my self and my personal life. Who I am as a woman and that some people that were in my life as stand ins, were leaving one by one. People I knew I didn’t need but were always around. They weren’t negative people in a sense of evil doers or bad influences, more just fun sucker. Yeah, BIG fat fun suckers and energy suckers, who’s only participation in my life was one of draining it.

Why did I have these people in my life? Well, some were extended family, some were friendships I made years ago and had carried over the years and some were just simply well known acquaintances. These were all people who were just kinda always  “there”, reoccurring commercials in my life. So why were these people in my life? What did they do “there”? I have no idea, except kill my buzz.

I also realized I have been single for 10 months now. Thats significant for me because it is the longest I have ever been single since I started dating when I was 18. Don’t get me wrong, I go on dates (when I don’t cancel), I am not deprived, blah blah blah. I’m just over it. No constancy, or knowing that “this” could lead to something more, also theres nothing worse for me right now than intimacy without love. (corny,  I know, leave me alone) So I stay away from that as much as possible, although I am human. The bottom line is I’m sick of being single, comin up on that last leg of my twenties and I’m ready for the big one. Ready to end the dating chapter of my life. That hit me hard these last few months just how true that is.

The last thing that happened in my funk month was something positive. After a few blows to my head and heart, false accusations and the death of all facades, I found out I really like who I am, like really really! I knew I loved myself, but I realized last month I am exactly who I wanted to be friends with when I was younger. I am the woman that I always knew I was but was to young to know how to bring her out, and I really like her! The reason why this was apart of my funk month is because those people I mentioned earlier, the ones who so conveniently left my life, did so as I came to this consciousness. That made me question myself unfortunately.

Looking back on my last 45 days or so, not every day was bad but most days I felt a grayness and just an overwhelming feeling of “UGH”. I cried a lot. I’m a cry baby as it is but last month was much more than usual. I was pretty much on the verge of tears the entire time. I drank a lot of tequila. Didn’t get too crazy but the detox has already started! What came out of this shitty month was not all bad. I asked for help a lot, which is out of character for me but humbling as well. It allowed me to build better bonds with those I was already close with. I was alone a lot, with a lot of time to think, reflect and grow silently. I realized I can survive character assassination attempts. I learned I make a mean mango margarita and I found out not everyone will love you because not every even loves themselves.

So yeah! Hindsight is 20/20 and tequila makes you feel waaaay less sad. If you find yourself in your own shitty funk month, some words of advice, don’t drink to much! Say “screw It” because you’re going to have to. Don’t be too hard on yourself, its too easy when your feeling down. Take more bubble baths. TRY to start every day with a positive thought. Remember your “now” is temporary and enjoy those quiet moments alone. Last but not least express it, talk it out, people may understand way more than you could imagine, and they could be dealing with their own funking month too.

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