My Butterfly Moment

Moving to LA has been a crazy time for me! It has been five months since I left my home town and a lot has happened. Not only has this town become my new home it has completely lived up to all my expectations. Its Interesting moving to a new city and totally feeling at ease. Its an amazing feeling to be in a city, where so many things are possible and so many dreams can come true. I say all the time “I don’t think I’ll ever move back to Reno” and it really feels that way the longer I’m here.

I moved to LA a little over two years after ending a bad relationship. It was my first real bad breakup. We all have that one relationship that defines us. It changes us completely and forever. The kind where you no longer look at love quite the same. It’s knowing that your heart will never hurt like that again. It had been two years of healing. I was still recovering what I lost in those months we were together when I made my move Los Angeles.

The man I was dating on the surface was a nice a guy with plenty of potential. I hate guys with “potential”.  We all know the type, he was in his 30’s, lived with his parents and drank to much. He also ran to his ex at any inconvenience or when things got tough. What did i see in him? I saw what we all see. He was tall, dark, handsome, buff. He was also charming in his own weird way. He was motivated in certain ways, like in the gym. I thought that discipline might cary over into the rest of his life but that was wrong. He was a mistake, one I’ll never make again. I learned that potential isn’t enough and no one can be fixed unless they do it on there own. Love is most definitely not enough. I knew all this before I met him but like my dad always says theres the easy way and the easier way. The easy way is knowing the easier way is living it. A real life lesson.

Like relationships and a move to a big city, life is a series of moments where your not quite sure what the right choice is. It’s laying awake at night till the morning light starts to creep  through my window. Sleepless nights questioning my every step. It’s 4 AM phone calls to my mom asking her for reassurance. Asking her to tell me again it’s OK to feel this way. Not wanting to make any mistakes and knowing I’m going to need those mistakes to learn. It’s biting my tongue even to the harshest of words. It’s crying alone and picking myself up off the floor because that’s what you are, alone. And it’s OK to be alone, you get to know yourself when you’re alone. So you know your OK, better than ok. I think its the process of making yourself a whole person. So when someone comes into your life they aren’t completing you but instead adding to you.

I’m in a place of transition. LA has started my metamorphosis into something that transcends the life that I knew for so long. I’m grateful for my solitude, for the nights when my bed is my own, it wont be like this forever. One day my bed will be filled with the husband and dog or three. A child that has had a nightmare or a new baby that takes up the space between us. This space, this quiet space I lay in as I write this will no longer be my own but shared with the love I’ve made and the life I’ve worked hard for. Soon my life will be different and I’ll think about the times when I first moved to this city. When I slept alone in my apartment, where I dreamt of the future success I will have in work and in love. So I cherish these moments, these nights that turn into mornings while I lay in silence. I’m happy and don’t mind the lonely moments. I know I won’t do everything right but I will do everything, everything necessary to make my dreams a reality.

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